Chapter One Coaching

Happy New Year everyone! Can you believe it is already 2012! I don’t know where 2011 went but it was certainly a busy year and one filled with many changes for me.  I heard of a lot of changes for people in 2011 and I am excited to see what 2012 will bring. It is promised to be a year filled with growth and change for many of us.

With the New Year comes thoughts of resolutions and new beginnings.  An opportunity to let go of the issues of the past and embrace a whole new reality.  What I have found is that any changes need to start with changes to the way we think, what we believe and what story we tell ourselves about what we see as reality.  In order to make lasting change in our lives we first must go within.  Any new diet, exercise regime, change in wardrobe, change in relationship, etc. all require us to have a different level of thinking than the one we had to create the situation we are in right now. We cannot change if we keep the same level of thinking that we had to this point.  We have created what we are living right now by the beliefs and thoughts we have held.  In order to move forward, we may need to let go of some of our story, we may need to let go of pain and embrace forgiveness – both of others and ourselves.  We may need to examine how we look at ourselves and what we believe to be our true worth.  Do we really believe we deserve to live a new and prosperous life? Does our extra weight protect us from something we don’t want to face? Are we afraid of people leaving us if we become the best person we can become? All of these thoughts and beliefs can hold us back from becoming who we truly were meant to be.  They can sabotage our best intentions and efforts and we may wonder why we can’t stick to that diet or exercise plan or why we can’t get our new business off the ground or why we are still in the same relationship that we know is not good for us.  On some level we have beliefs that keep us stuck.  The great news is you have the power to change your beliefs, your thoughts and your attitude.  No one can take that away from you.  And you can begin today!  First you must decide and then you must do something about it.

There are many ways to change your beliefs and thoughts.  One way you can start is by hiring a coach.  Someone who can help you decide on what your goals are, discover some of your roadblocks that are stopping you right now and ways to remove those roadblocks and create new, empowering beliefs and thoughts.  A coach will also help keep you on track and moving forward so you’re not all full of great ideas the first week of January and then run out of steam by the second week.  A coach will help you keep moving forward, one baby step at a time.  One of the biggest mistakes many of us make when we decide to make changes in our lives is we try to change everything all at once.  We decide to lose 50 pounds so we go on a strict diet, we sign up for the gym and decide we are going to work out 7 days a week.  After the first few days, we are so hungry we could eat anything that walks by and we keep hitting “snooze” so never get up in time for the gym and so, frustrated and defeated, we go back to what we were doing before, feeling even worse for trying.  The key to any changes is to make them slow, gradual and consistent.  Slow and steady wins the race and it takes time to change the old, comfortable ways of doing things.  New habits and new thoughts take time to adjust to.

If you want 2012 to be the year that you become the best version of yourself you can possibly be, I invite you to check out coaching.  I still have room for new clients and will also be setting up group coaching for people who are interested in developing healthier lifestyles and also for those of you who may be going through changes in their relationships.  I can be reached either via email at brendalee.rae.walker@gmail.com or on my cellphone at (403) 660-8790.  2012 is YOUR year!!  You can become the amazing person you were meant to be.  All it takes is one decision to set you on your path! You are worth it!!

Today’s post is about relationships and dealing with conflict.  When we take our car to a garage for service, for instance, we expect that they will do the best job they can and that we can depend on the quality of their service and depend on their promises, correct? Occasionally mistakes happen or things go overlooked but generally, once we take our vehicle to the garage for service, we expect that we can trust that it has been fixed and the car is now roadworthy.  If we are promosed “genuine service, genuine care” like this ad states, then one would think we could trust the service we receive.  But what if that doesn’t happen? And what if that doesn’t happen more than once by the same garage? How would you deal with that?

I have a friend facing such a dilemma. Her dealership promises much the same thing – genuine parts, service and care, however, that has not been her experience.  And, unfortunately, that has not been her experience with that same dealership more than once. Most recently she was left on the side of the road.  When she called the dealership, apparently their “genuine service and care” ends at 5:00 pm.  When she called their roadside assistance, that apparently stopped after 5 years.  So, she had a dilemma of how to deal with this situation.  This was not the first time this same dealership had not made good on their promises.   So, she was left to find someone else, another garage or mechanic who could help her out in this situation when her own dealership let her down.

H0w many times has others let you down? How do you deal with it? Some people are quite comfortable with being assertive in these situations and demanding things be made right.  Others, like my friend, are uncomfortable dealing with conflict and asking for what they deserve in this situation – dependenability and reliability and being true to their word and standing behind their workmanship.  She feels like she needs to justify her position and come up with a “good argument” when really she is the person who has been harmed and does not need a “good enough argument” to ask for the dealership to make good on their promises. 

How often does this sort of thing happen in relationships as well?  It’s easy to be upset with dealerships or companies who let us down or hurt us but how about dealing with close personal relationships? That is when people struggle the most.  If we aren’t happy with the dealership, we can always go somewhere else. We don’t have anything to lose really. We have no personal investment in the relationship.  But what if you are married and your spouse lets you down or are in a friendship and they do something that hurt you?  Then the whole game changes because now you have a personal investment in this relationship.  How do you deal with it then? 

 I have learned, through much trial and much error, that the best way to deal with issues in our relationships is to be honest and straight forward and to address your concerns in how you feel and how it impacted you in a clear and non-blaming manner.  No name calling, no “you always” or ”you never” or “why can’t you ever”.  If you put the other person on the defensive, then they are not going to be open and receptive to discussing the matter and they are going to be more invested in defending their position and being “right”.  I’ve heard a saying that stuck in my head a while ago “You can either by right, or you can be happy”.  Now that doesn’t mean you have to give in and never say how you feel or let someone know that what they did hurt you.  What it does mean to me is that you need to step back and see things from a larger perspective.  See things from the other person’s perspective.  Why did they do what they did or react the way they did? What part did you play in this situation?  Many times it is very easy to see how someone else hurt us, but very difficult to see how we may have contributed to the situation or how maybe we hurt someone as well.  Sometimes just not taking offence to everything someone says and assuming that it is not meant as a barb or as an insult, is a better way to go as well. How many times have you had a bad day, had something happen to you, and the next person you deal with you are a bit short or cranky with. It wasn’t personal to them, was it? Maybe the next time you are dealin with someone who is a bit “off”, assume that they are having a similar moment and brush it off and cut them some slack, as you would appreciate someone doing for you.  

Relationships are something we will need to deal with everyday, whether we are dealing with bad service at a business, dealing with co-workers or dealing with friends and family.  The key to relationships is learning how to communicate in a way that is clear, honest and caring.  Asking for what you want and need does not need to be a confrontation or something to be avoided.  With some thought and a bit of time to consider the issues, communication can be a lot easier and more productive.

Further to yesterday’s post, I made a commitment to writing every single day. I have to admit to procrastinating all day. Now here it is, 11:00 pm and I am just getting to it.  Tonight’s post will be short. 

Today I watched the movie “The Secret”.  This was the first time I had watched it.  Today I picked up supplies to start my vision board. I have been thinking about it for a while and today I decided to start making it happen.  I went to the local bookstore here in Cochrane and stumbled across a book on creating a vision board. Funny how the Universe brings books, ideas, etc. into your life when you are ready for them.  I guess once you set your intention, then you are open to noticing these sorts of things when they come your way.  Anyway, I watched the movie “The Secret” and found it interesting. I wasn’t sure what to think about the movie as I had heard a fair bit about it before I watched it.  I had some prejudices about what the movie may be like, be decided to watch with a more open mind to see what I could get out of it.  Like anything, I went in expecting that there will be some stuff I will take away and some stuff that just won’t reasonate with me.  There were a lot of people in this movie whom I am familiar with.  There was Jack Canfield, Mr. Proctor, John Gray, and more whose names escape me at the moment.  Anyway, the gist of the movie was that we create our lives through the law of attraction.  What we think about, put our attention and feelings toward will manifest in our lives.  However, the Universe does not differentiate between what we want and don’t want. By putting our attention to something, the Universe will bring it to us. If we put our attention to lack and what we don’t want, the Universe will bring that to us.  If we think abundance and believe that it is on its way to us, that will manifest in our lives.  I think there is some merit to the whole idea.  I believe that our thoughts and beliefs create our lives.  We act on our beliefs. If we feel and believe we are worthy of great things, then we will act in a certain way.  However, if our thoughts and beliefs are negative, we will act accordingly.  I know from my own life, this is true. When I believed I didn’t deserve to be in a relationship with anyone great, I made some really bad choices.  Even if a great guy came to me, I wouldn’t have recognized or appreciated him.  I wouldn’t believe that he would be interested in me.  I noticed when I changed my thoughts about myself and what and who I thought I deserved, then the type of men who came in to my life also changed.  To paraphrase Mr. Ford – whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right. I believe we need to be mindful of our thoughts and what we are telling ourselves.  Our thoughts are not idle things. They have the power to literally change our lives. They create the lives we are living right now.  If you are looking at your life and not liking what you see, then maybe it is time for you to look at what you are telling yourself.  You may be surprised! Are your thoughts the type of thoughts that will create the life you want and deserve?

Melinda French Gates

Here is a talk by Melinda Gates that I found very interesting. 

 At TEDxChange, Melinda Gates makes a provocative case for nonprofits taking a cue from corporations such as Coca-Cola, whose plugged-in, global network of marketers and distributors ensures that every remote village wants — and can get — a Coke. Why shouldn’t this work for condoms, sanitation, vaccinations too?

Recently I got the following email from Seth Godin talking about writer’s block.  He suggests writing everyday, good or bad. He says the more we write, eventually the better we will get.  I have always enjoyed writing but am often afraid of receiving criticism for my thoughts or views or that I may not be as eloquent as I’d like to be. I also worry about my grammar and how I construct my sentences.  I have learned to write based on what sounds right to me.  I have tried to learn proper grammar and punctuation but I have to admit to struggling with it.  I do commit to writing everyday from now on and to see what happens.  To be honest, I don’t really think anyone reads my blogs, so perhaps this is not such a huge risk after all!  As a coach, I encourage my clients to push past their blocks, challenge their long held beliefs about their capabilities and operate outside their comfort zone.  Now it is time for me, the coach, to take my own advice.  I would love to hear from you – what are you doing to challenge those long held beliefs about your talents and abilities by going outside your own comfort zone?

Here is Seth’s blog on the subject of writing:

Talker’s block
No one ever gets talker’s block. No one wakes up in the morning, discovers he has nothing to say and sits quietly, for days or weeks, until the muse hits, until the moment is right, until all the craziness in his life has died down.

Why then, is writer’s block endemic?

The reason we don’t get talker’s block is that we’re in the habit of talking without a lot of concern for whether or not our inane blather will come back to haunt us. Talk is cheap. Talk is ephemeral. Talk can be easily denied. We talk poorly and then, eventually (or sometimes), we talk smart. We get better at talking precisely because we talk. We see what works and what doesn’t, and if we’re insightful, do more of what works. How can one get talker’s block after all this practice?

Writer’s block isn’t hard to cure.

Just write poorly. Continue to write poorly, in public, until you can write better.

I believe that everyone should write in public. Get a blog. Or use Squidoo or Tumblr or a microblogging site. Use an alias if you like. Turn off comments, certainly–you don’t need more criticism, you need more writing.

Do it every day. Every single day. Not a diary, not fiction, but analysis. Clear, crisp, honest writing about what you see in the world. Or want to see. Or teach (in writing). Tell us how to do something.

If you know you have to write something every single day, even a paragraph, you will improve your writing. If you’re concerned with quality, of course, then not writing is not a problem, because zero is perfect and without defects. Shipping nothing is safe.
The second best thing to zero is something better than bad. So if you know you have write tomorrow, your brain will start working on something better than bad. And then you’ll inevitably redefine bad and tomorrow will be better than that. And on and on.
Write like you talk. Often.

Today’s inspiration comes from Bob Proctor.  Mr. Proctor is a much sought after speaker and coach and has been around for many years.  He is the pioneer in the world of coaching and has inspired millions of people to achieve their dreams.  Today I am sharing one of the emails I received from him regarding imagination.  There is much talk about the power of your imagination and how what you think about, what thoughts you hold in your mind, create your reality.  If you don’t like the life you have right now, then you need to look at the thoughts, beliefs and fantasies you have been holding in your mind.  Those thoughts, beliefs and fantasies are what brought you to this point. The most wonderful thing is new thoughts, new beliefs, new fantasies can also help you create a new and improved life and it can all start with the next thought you hold in your mind.  Please enjoy Bob’s message. I hope it inspires you to be the best you can be today!

Hi Friend,

Have you ever wondered how children can sit through replays of their favorite Lion King or Little Mermaid video? It amazes me that they’ll watch the same show every day without a single complaint or request for something new.

What’s more amazing, though, is that adults do the very same thing with their days.  The majority of men and women play “movies” in their heads, day after day, relentlessly focusing on past events, most of which are unpleasant and disturbing experiences. If they’re actually able to stop their contemplation of past events, then they allow impressions of their current surroundings and recent results to govern their thoughts. If they contemplate the future it is usually by worrying about it, or wishing that something better might come along. Then they wonder why bad things keep happening to them, or why they never rise above the issues and obstacles in their lives.

While it is true that people are free to think anything they please, as long as they remain set in their ways, there is very little that can be done to change the unpleasant experiences that keep cropping up in their lives.

Recently, the study of the mind, and its veritable unearthly power, is at last taking its proper place in modern civilization. Proper use of the mind and its various faculties will give you anything you choose – but the emphasis here is on the word “proper.” To move in this direction requires study and focused, consistent effort with a good measure of creativity stirred in.

Just as the oak tree develops from the gene that lies within the acorn and a bird develops from the gene that lies asleep in the egg, so too will your achievements grow from the organized plans that first begin with your imagination. An image in your mind is the first stage of the creative process in life. From your imagination your visions and plans arise.

In his best selling book, Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill wrote, “You will never have a definite purpose in life; you will never have self confidence; you will never have initiative and leadership unless you first create these qualities in your imagination and see yourself in possession of them.” He went on to say, “… imagination is the most marvelous, miraculous, inconceivably powerful force the world has ever known.”

There is a concept called “Fantasy – Theory – Fact.” The premise underlying this concept is that everything has its origination in the form of Fantasy, which some adventurous souls dare turn into a theory and then boldly turn into fact. Give this serious thought for a moment. The idea of moon landings, communicating by email, traveling on jets, cellular phones or wearing synthetic garments was, a very short time ago, sheer fantasy. Today, they are considered commonplace.

Your marvelous mind has factors that you can, with little effort, develop to use to improve the quality of life, not just for yourself, but for human kind. Imagination is one of those creative faculties. The individuals who were responsible for the conception and creation of the email, cell phones and any of the thousands of modern conveniences we enjoy today had a highly developed imagination.

Furthermore, they were not easily influenced by the opinions of the masses, the naysayers who historically have criticized and ridiculed anything they do not understand. These pioneers used their mental faculties to fantasize, to build wild and wonderful pictures in their mind. Then, holding their thought with their will, they watched their fantasy unfold into a theory and then into fact. They seemed to have an innate awareness that if they could visualize it, they could do it.

Use this power to let your mind play. Fantasize a much better life than you presently enjoy. Draft your future with imagination, ponder and calculate with intelligence and awareness, then knit it with care. Next, devise paths and find tools to help get you there.

Commit to reach new goals. The only barrier separating you from your goal is ignorance – ignorance of how simple, and simply powerful, your mind really is.

To your success,
Bob Proctor

Today’s inspiration comes from Louise Hay,  again from her book “The Present Moment – 365 Daily Affirmations”.  Her quote today made me think about life and everything that happens to us.  Her quote reads:

Every experience I have benefits me.  I am in the process of positive change.

Imagine if we looked at life this way; if we looked at every experience as something that benefits us and helps us change in a positive way.  How much more positive and empowering would that be? Life happens and sometimes we enjoy what happens and sometimes we don’t.  The fact is, life happens.  We can either struggle and fight it or we can accept all that comes just as it is and use each experience to benefit us and use it to help us grow and change in a positive way.  Nothing is inherently good or bad in this world. It is only that way when we put those labels on them.  For instance, what if I lost my job.  Is that good or bad? Well, it depends on how I look at it.  Maybe the job I had was not good for me and my health was taking its toll as a result of me working there.  Maybe because I lost my job I felt free enough to pursue the job I really wanted. Maybe I got a severance package and was able to retrain. Maybe because I was free, I applied for another job that was perfect for me and I got it.  It all depends on how you CHOOSE to look at something.  It’s all a choice. 

I have had things happen in my life that were not pleasant to me. We all have stories of times where we were hurt, abused, disappointed.  We can’t go through life without having tough times.  However, what I am learning is that there is the gift of learning in every single situation.  I will give you an example from my own life.  I met a man and was engaged in 5 weeks.  We were married in 5 months.  Anyone else could see it was a big mistake on my part but I had my reasons at the time for it being a good idea.  As it turned out, the relationship was not healthy for me and it turned out to be somewhat abusive and not a good fit at all.  He didn’t get along with my son, he didn’t like to work, we couldn’t communicate, and the list went on.  We eventually broke up after a year, reconciled briefly and then got divorced.  From the outside, that was a negative experience, right? However, it turned out to be a blessing.  How? Well, I learned so much from that experience that it literally changed my life and set me on a more positive path.  I was forced to really look at myself, figure out why I had made that choice and what part I played in continually picking men who were not right for me.  I looked at what I was thinking about men, believing about myself and looked at what I felt I deserved.  It was one of the darkest times of my life but it was also the turning point in my life where my whole life changed.  I started to make better choices based on a healthier atttitude about myself.  My confidence in myself and my abilities grew.  I had a lot more positive self-image and I made better choices regarding relationships.  I am re-married now and have a very happy relationship. However, had I not learned the lessons from that failed marriage, I would not be where I am today.  That person who made those choices then would not have been able to make this current relationship work. 

We all have a choice in how we look at life and what we do with each experience in our life.  I invite you to look for the gems of learning in each situation.  Look for ways that the situation can benefit you and help you move in the direciton of positive change.  It’s all up to you. You can choose to be a victim or you can choose to be a victor.  Today, I challenge you to be a victor.  Help to make your life the best it can possibly be!

Today I was reading Louise Hay’s “The Present Moment – 365 Daily Affimations.  The quote I came across this morning was:

I am willing to release the need to be unworthy.  I am now becoming all I was destined to be.

How many of us walk around feeling unworthy and less than? How many of us downplay our gifts, our strengths and our beauty? Many of us do.  But why? What causes us to feel unworthy and less than? What are we comparing ourselves to? We often look to other people and think that everyone else has life figured out.  We internalize all the negative comments we have heard over our lives.  We allow others to tear us apart and cause us to think less of ourselves. 

But, WHAT IF for just today, you took a good look at yourself and realized how worthy you are? What if you made a list of what is right about you? What if you made a list of all the many gifts that you have? What if you allowed yourself 15 minutes today to dream what your life could be like if you embraced all the positive aspects of yourself and didn’t allow those negative thoughts to bring you down? How would you life look a week from now, a year from now, a decade from now?

The truth is, we are all wonderful beings and we all have our own unique gifts and talents. Like a patchwork quilt, we all have a part to play in the fabric of humanity.  Playing small, feeling unworthy isn’t helping anyone.  It’s not helping you, it’s not helping those close to you and it ‘s not helping the world. 

Everyone is dealing with something. Everyone has insecurities, things they would like to change, things they hate about themselves. That is what makes us human but it doesn’t mean we need to beat ourselves up and not make the very most of who we are because who we are is pretty fantastic. 

I have been down this road myself. I have been overweight and felt like the whole world was looking at me with absolute disgust.  The trust of the matter was, the only person doing that was me.  I have felt unattractive and awkward, especially around other women who I have judged as “better than me”.  I have felt stupid when comparing myself to someone with a degree.  I have felt all those things and more and there are still times I struggle with that but I have also come to realize that my weight, physical attractiveness, intelligence, etc. is not something to be compared to some impossible standard.  I have been blessed with gifts and talents that are unique to me.  I have the ability to use my feelings of insecurity and help others who are going through the same thing. I am creative and intelligent in my own way.  By embracing who I am instead of rejecting who I am not only helps me to become the best me I can be but also gives others permission to do the same.  The biggest gift we can give ourselves and the world is be genuinely ourselves and to live large and proud.  Imagine what a gift that would be to those around you to have the real you show up everyday.  Imagine how much happier and at peace you would be when you stop trying to be someone else, stop trying to figure out what other people want you to be.  No one knows how to be you better than you do. 

For today, embrace who you are.  Celebrate your unique personality, your unique gifts and talents.  Celebrate being you and focus on who you ARE, not who you aren’t!

I was reading a quote by Brian Weiss this morning that really got me thinking about my own life and some of my own issues with other people.  Brian said:

People are constantly changing and growing. Don’t cling to a limited, disconnected, negative image of a person in the past. See that person now.

How many of us, myself included, hang on to the old hurts, the old image of how they view someone. It seems when someone hurts us, it’s like they are frozen in time as “that is what they are like” but are they? If you really had an honest look at who they are right now, would they still be the same person you have in your mind? Consider your own self.  I was contemplating this lately as my son turned 18 this year and it seems like yesterday (but it wasn’t!) that I was also 18.  I was thinking about people from my own high school and what they were like.  I have seen them on Facebook and see that we have all aged and all changed physically but I realized how my perception of many of them hasn’t changed since high school.  I then look at my son and realize that who we are at 18 and who we are in our 40s is so completely different.  Think of yourself at 18.  Try to remember who you were, what was important, how you thought.  Are you that same person? Chances are no.  Same with other people in our lives, take our parents for example.  I have had my own struggles with my parents and I have realized that the person I see them as is the person I remember as a kid, during the time we had our issues.  I am missing seeing them as older, wiser, or just different.  How could that change my relationship with them? How could it change my perception of them and my past?

The fact is we all change. As we live our lives, have our own life experiences, grow wiser, older, etc. we change. Our thoughts and perceptions may change, our outlook on life may change and how we act and live our lives may change. Imagine if someone froze “who we are” from 20 years ago.  Would that be an accurate representation of who you are today? So, as you are dealing with the people in your life today, try to see them with fresh eyes and see them as they are right now.  Release your perceptions of “who they are” for a moment and have a closer look at who they have become.  You may be surprised by who you find.

Today’s quote is from Wayne Dyer, on of my favorite people. His quote is:

“The choice is up to you. It can either be ‘Good Morning God!’ or ‘Good God – morning!”

What are you choosing this morning? Our attitude is the one thing we have complete control over. No one can dictate what our attitude will be. Many people feel that they are at the mercy of whatever is going on in their lives. They blame their spouse, their job, the economy, their weight, the weather, and a host of many of things. We all do this but I am reminded of a book I read by Dr. Viktor Frankl called “Man’s Search for Meaning” where he talked about his experience in a concentratio camp. Here is his most famous quote:

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

So, today, what attitude are you choosing? Today I am choosing to be grateful for all the many blessings I have in my life and all the people in my life who have been such a part of making my life as wonderful as it is.  This week I had a very tragic reminder of how lucky I am.  My friend’s brother-in-law, Larry,  has been in the hospital waiting for a liver transplant.  He has been very sick and hanging on but it would appear that his health has taken a turn for the very worst.  Here I am – healthy, having a body that allows me to do so many things, I have a loving family, a job, great friends.  My attitude today is one of gratitude for all I have been blessed with. 

Our lives can be so enriched with the right attitude.  If we choose to have a positive outlook, look for the opportunities in all that comes our way, give people the benefit of the doubt, trust ourselves to make the right decisions, etc. imagine how much different our lives would be than if we took the attitude that life is awful, people are cheats, everything that can go will go wrong, and we just aren’t capable of doing anything right.  Can you see the difference in how you would feel and in your energy? If our attitude is a CHOICE, then why not choose to be happy, choose to say positive things about ourselves, choose to see what is right in the world, choose to challenge ourselves to be the best person we can possibly be? The choice is yours.  Of all the things in the world that can be taken away from us, our attitude is the one thing that only we can decide.  I challenge you today to choose an attitude that serves you and makes you the best person you can possibly be!