Well, since I last wrote my life has been a roller coaster ride. I am not even sure where to start with this blog. In my last post I talked about the “boundaries conversation” I had with my boyfriend, G. Well, after that conversation, we did agree to break up. In the next few days following our break up, some friends of G decided to intervene because they could see how amazing we were together. They each sat G down and had a chat with him about his situation with his ex and shared how they would feel if they were in a similar situation and, if they were me, they would not be okay with how things were with the ex. It apparently gave G pause for thought. One friend actually offered his home and G was going to move out that Monday. The reality of him moving out was a blast of reality for both of us. We started talking and G seemed to take to heart what he heard from his friends. I thought we could try to move forward with his new understanding and decided to try to make things work. A few days later, G got really sick and ended up in the hospital. Given that my girlfriend, Liz, just died with similar symptoms to G, it was particularly stressful. Anyway, after 5 or 6 days in the hospital, he started to feel better and was released. In that time, I was there every moment I wasn’t sleeping or at work. During that time, guess who started (or rather, continued) to call and text and G continued to take her calls and texts. His ex. So much for the “understanding” I thought he had.
Along came Christmas and G was out buying presents for his ex’s entire family and G asked me to go with him to take presents to the grandchildren (where his ex lives) and to spend Boxing Day with her children and grandchildren. I realized that this ex thing was never ever going away and he was not going to set boundaries with his ex. I had finally hit my saturation point and I decided to end our relationship once and for all. My body was telling me loud and clear with numbness and asthma symptoms (I don’t have asthma) that I needed to deal with this. So, last weekend, G moved out the weekend before Christmas. It was both really hard and a huge relief. I had my home back, my sanity back and I no longer had his ex in my face, but I also lost my best friend and lover and the future of us together that I had imagined died in that moment.
Christmas was a challenge. As I have done many years, I spent most of it alone which was both hard and healing. I had my son home Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, which I loved. The rest of the holiday I spent in contemplation.
In that contemplation I realized a few things. One, that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I set my boundaries and stuck by them! Two, if I see something as a red flag in a new relationship, I need to pay more attention to it. On the other side of the coin though, I realized that sometimes you only see how important these red flags are in retrospect so I can’t beat myself up too badly. In my relationship with G, I learned how much I can love and trust someone and how much I can also be hurt by opening up to someone that much. In my pain, I am also learning to sit with my feelings instead of running away or numbing out. Christmas Day and Boxing Day I sat with my feelings – good, bad and otherwise. Some moments were not easy, but I survived. I learned that my faith is very important to me and it is the only way I could make it through this without running away. I learned that you can explain things to people but you can’t make them understand it. And I learned that I have so much love and support, some from people I never expected to receive support from. I had people who were there to listen, who were willing to take the risk and talk to G to try to help us stay together, who were there to make me laugh and who were there to help me make my house a home again and reclaim my space. I have learned how much a broken heart can hurt and I learned that even though it hurts like crazy, it’s not fatal. I also learned what it feels like to be loved by someone who saw my perfection. I learned what it feels like to have a partner who was also a best friend. And I learned that sometimes trying my best is just not good enough. And if a relationship is going to work, there can only be two people in that relationship.
I am looking forward to 2015. I have no idea what this year has in store for me. I am hoping to finally get my coaching business off the ground. I have learned so much lately that will be such a gift to any of my clients going through a crisis. I am hoping to get my writing career going because writing really does fill me up. I am hoping there may be a healthy relationship in 2015, if that is in the cards. I am hoping that the first solid relationship I will form is with myself. I am hoping that I can decorate my home and really make it an expression of myself instead of a mish mash of hand me downs that is purely functional like I have done to this point in my life. I am filled with hope for an amazing year. And regardless of what happens, there will be moments of joy, moments of challenge and moments of great satisfaction. And all of it will be perfect and in the right time. In 2015 I will accept the moment as it is, whether it is a pleasant or unpleasant moment. If I learned anything in 2014, it is that fighting what is only creates unnecessary stress. Everything happens in the perfect time and I am planning on being grateful for all of it.
I am glad Christmas is over but I am so looking forward to New Years. It is my most favorite holiday of the year. I wish you love, happiness, joy, peace and prosperity in 2015! Let’s see what 2015 has in store!!