So, this week I finally got the courage to step on the scale to see what the verdict was. It wasn’t good. Unless I was going for sumo wrestler – then I was on my way. You see, me and my body have been in conflict for many years. It has been a love/hate relationship – despite how much I hate my body it still loves me enough to do what it needs to do. I don’t think I am alone as a woman in dealing with body issues. I have decided to share a bit of my journey with this because maybe you have been feeling the same way and maybe you might see a bit of yourself in me and maybe together we can learn to develop a love/love relationship with this amazing vehicle we have been blessed with.
I have always had body issues from childhood. Part of it was the way I was raised, part of it was what we all hear in the media and part of it I think is that need to compare with others. I think we all have that need to compare how we think we are to everyone else. I was certainly no different. My mother dieted from the time I can remember. I started attending diet clubs with her from probably the age of 9 or 10. I can remember dieting when I was probably 10 years old. My weight was always an issue for not only me but it seemed everyone else around me. I was teased by my dad for being overweight, I had people comment on my weight, doctors who berated me for being overweight and telling me my medical issue was because I was so heavy. Now, it wasn’t like I was 300 pounds. I wasn’t huge but from the comments I heard you’d think I was circus freak fat. Based on those experiences, my body became my enemy. Something to be loathed and in judgment of, something that constantly betrayed me. Not realizing that it was I who was betraying it.
Like many of us, I have my own ways of coping with life and numbing out. Food was always my drug of choice. I use it to soothe, calm, celebrate, numb out, forget, protect, and sabotage myself. Like a drug addict at times, I try to avoid food, then I eat it, for a moment I feel better and then the guilt and anger at myself sets in and the berating self talk commences to which I react by eating more, feeling worse, and eating more again. I have also use alcohol but not to the same extent that I have always used food.
I have decided to share my journey, my struggles, my triumphs, my “aha” moments and my thoughts along the way. I am hoping that by sharing my journey I can help you or someone you know who may be struggling too and to see that weight is not just a food issue. It is so much more. For many of us, weight is just a symptom of something much greater and it can be a great guage on what is going on for us inside. Weight can keep us safe, can keep people away, can bring people to us, can help us feel confident and strong or weak and in victim or give us an excuse to avoid things we don’t want to deal with.
So begins the journey…. I invite you to share your stories, your thoughts, your “aha” moments, things you have learned along the way. We all know “diets” don’t work because diets don’t deal with how the extra weight is serving us. Let’s start this grand adventure!