This week was an interesting week weight wise. I worked out a few times on the bike which felt great both because it feels great to work out and secondly it feels great to actually be doing it again. It’s like keeping a promise to myself. Weight wise, I was doing great – losing half a pound every day but mid week gaining half a pound, even after doing the “right things”. I noticed a few things – one that I am resistance to tracking what I am eating in “My Fitness Pal”, despite knowing that it works and two, that even though I know weighing every day is something I would tell my clients not to do, that is precisely what I did. And, as I would tell my clients, when I gained that half a pound, it threw me off the rails. Funny how you can KNOW something and yet still do it anyway.
I am noticing how much my self-esteem can be tied to what the scale tells me. How many of us let numbers on a scale determine our self worth for the day? I have been 235 pounds and I have been 153 pounds, a size 22 and a size 8, and you know what? I was the same person on the inside at both those weights and every weight in between. I was just as intelligent, just as capable, just as loving, just as worthy as I was at 235 pounds and 153 pounds. My intelligence, capability, ability to love did not change based on what I weighed. So, the question remains – why do I allow my self-esteem to be determined by those numbers on the scale? Seriously? I thought about it and asked myself – Do I love my best friend or my child less because they gained 5 pounds or love them more because they lost 10 pounds? Was their worth to me changed in any way by what the scale had to say? The answer is no. So, the question is – why do I (we) allow the scale to determine my (our) own worth?
For me, the key is first of all recognizing when I am in judgment of myself. I, like many others, have years of programming that says skinny = worthy and attractive and fat = unworthy and unattractive. I have years of “that voice” in my head that finds any reason to scream “You’re not worthy!!” into my ears. But who is it serving? I like to think about how God would see me. Or my son. My brother. My friends. They love ME. Not the size of my ass or the cellulite on my thighs. They don’t love me because I have rock hard abs or because I wear a size 8. They love me because of how I make them feel. They love me because I am me. And maybe, just maybe, they love me because I am not perfect.
From a business standpoint I also see that my clients are not attracted to me because I am perfect. No. It is those imperfections that they are attracted to. The fact that I have struggled with my weight. That I have lived through childhood abuse. That I was divorced three times and have more relationship train wrecks than I care to even remember or admit. They love that when they tell me they have herpes I don’t gasp and go into judgment but hold their hand and tell them that it is going to be okay and that they are lovable, worthy and attractive because it’s “just a fucking virus” and it changes nothing. They come to me because I have been through shit and come out the other side and still have the capacity to trust and try love one more time. And you know what? I am not special because we all have our broken parts and we all have gifts to offer from those broken places.
So, this week, I will be weighing less, exercising more and appreciating what is really important. And also realizing that what goes on in my head affects what goes on in my body. The more in judgment I am of myself, the more I eat, the less I appreciate what I really bring to the party and the less I can really be of service to those I come in contact with. This week, every time I step on the scale I will remind myself that although it is my aim to be healthy physically, that I also need to be healthy emotionally. The measure of my worth is not so simple as stepping on a scale. I have to admit, this is going to take some work because I am still triggered, as much as I don’t want to be, by those numbers. But in sharing my journey and my struggle I also know that I am speaking to others because I am pretty sure I am not alone.